Cut the Apes Affair: University finds essay writing service run by secret society


AVRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-LetterThe annual April Fool’s Day, an attempt to add some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious in its reporting.

Last Friday, the Homewood Academic Council persecuted a group of students who ran an essay writing business. This group, officially known as “LET OUR MONKEYS WRITE LLC”, was found to have captured a multitude of monkeys to perform the manual labor of their operation and, as stated in its business plan, “to strengthen the capital accumulation and facilitate rapid returns on investment. . “

Essentially, its operation relied on semi-domesticated monkeys taken overnight from the Maryland Zoo. These monkeys were placed in front of keyboards and ordered to “do this Shakespeare monkey theory thing,” as stated in instruction manuals found on stage.

Our best guess is that these students were referring to the Infinite Monkey Theorem, which postulates that if apes are allowed to type for an infinite amount of time, they will eventually transcribe the complete works of William Shakespeare. Presumably, these enterprising students believed that this also applied to introductory essays on American politics.

Freshman Jessi Dawn, who tried to outsource an introductory essay writing essay using the service, was disappointed.

“Yeah, I thought using monkeys was a little weird, but I thought since the group is made up of financial brethren, their shareholders would have done their due diligence,” they said. “Clearly, I was wrong. “

The Homewood Academic Council was alerted by concerned students, many of whom had attempted to use the service and had poor results. The Homewood Academic Council has made it clear that it will not prosecute these students and thanked them for their contribution to the integrity of academics on campus.

“We honor these brave whistleblowers and we do not take these kinds of incidents lightly,” said Steve P. Assman, member of the Homewood Academic Council. “The financial brethren are a plague on this campus and should be persecuted for their crimes.”

Seniors Franz Laccod and Bawl Sachs have been identified as the main perpetrators of this pseudo-criminal enterprise. Coincidentally, they are also members of a business-oriented underground secret society, Tiníe Peán. They will be expelled.

Several students have expressed concerns about the working and living conditions of the monkeys. LET OUR MONKEYS TYPE LLC had occupied the leadership and student engagement booth formerly held by Spring Fair. According to our investigative team, rotten droppings and bananas were strewn about, a significant improvement over last year.

One of the monkeys responded To The News-Letterinterview request.

“Ff vvvvvvvpppsssgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss [sic],” they said.

The other monkeys denied The News-Lettermultiple requests for comments.

History teaching assistant Alfredo Linguini, who specializes in American cults, found Tiníe Peán’s treatment of monkeys more than blatant.

“Obviously, we need to root out and destroy all members of Tiníe Peán on campus. I suggest an approach modeled on the Salem witch trials, ”she said. “In the words of famous English primatologist Jane Goodall, ‘if we don’t do anything to help these creatures, we don’t care about the whole concept of justice. Thus, Tiníe Peán and all her morally flaccid co-conspirators must be relegated to the darkest recesses of hell. Or the WAWA basement.

B. Anana Sapiens, the self-proclaimed CFO of LET OUR MONKEYS WRITE, is the Managing Editor of The News-Letter. Sapiens has not contributed to the reporting, writing or editing of this article.


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